Evicted

It is time that I close this chapter of my life. I feel like I have been consistently stable in my recovery for the last couple of years. I understand, confront, and overcome my triggers because I don’t want them to control me. I have worked so hard to become a person who no one would guess has been through the horrific things I’ve lived. That’s kinda the point of what all this work has been about. I don’t play a victim. I accept and honor my healing process and I know that it is an organic thing, constantly evolving and changing. That’s just life.

My journey to wholeness has been one of transformation. I have learned so much about myself, my resilience, and my ability to endure. I set healthy boundaries with people in my life and I am not afraid to let go of relationships that no longer serve me or that negatively effect me. 

I refuse to be a casualty of my past. In order to do that, I have to stop living there. I have to shut the door on it and refuse to allow it to negatively impact my present and future.

I will leave this blog up and I may check back once in a while. The objective here has always been two fold. Foremost, I wanted to put my story out here for others who have been through something similar to know they are not alone and there is hope. Secondly, I wanted to document my recovery journey, so I could retrospectively reference where I’ve been as encouragement and a learning process.

That said, I am evicting from my life any power my past has over me… forever. It’s a beautiful and inspiring thing to know that I have the ability and strength to make that choice.

Love…. and Peace.

No more a victim

It has recently come to my attention that I have been living in the past. After all this time and work and effort I have put in to becoming the person I want to be, who I feel I was meant to be, I have been continuing to live as a victim.

I’m a survivor, damn it! I need to start living as one.

I am a member of this group called Women with PTSD (or something to that effect) and all this shit they post day in a day out is all about being a victim. I didn’t realize that I am still constantly trying to explain my present using my past. I won’t do that anymore.

I REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM! I am a victor! I survived and now it is time for be to live and I am figuring out how to do that, one baby step at a time. I want to just dive right in by leaps and bounds, but just as another journey I’m currently exploring, I need to savor and relish each step of this path. It fucking means something because I worked my ass off to get here. I will enjoy it as much as I please with the giddiness and curiosity of a child.

The first thing that comes to mind is the output of the first line of programming code I ever wrote – “Hello, World!” Yes, I’m a nerd….

Turning point

I really feel that I have reached a turning point in my grieving process regarding my divorce. While it hurts, I know it is for the best. I have actually known that all along, but I really get it now.

My marriage served its purpose, but it is no longer a relationship that serves me as a person. It doesn’t serve my husband either.

Before my husband walked out of our second and last marriage counseling appointment mid-session, he explained that he has inadequacy issues and has always had them throughout our entire marriage. I have always had a ton of guy friends. Most of them are ex-boyfriends or guys I’ve at least had sex with once. I am a very sexually open-minded person and woman and I don’t see anything wrong with that. He knew both of those things before we even became a couple. Even after we began seeing each other, he said he didn’t have a problem with me spending time with my guy friends, but it turns out that he does and always did.

How the fuck was I supposed to know that if he never told me and pretty much lied to my face when I asked him? The answer is that I am not. I have been blaming myself trying to figure out why I am not good enough or what I could have done differently or whatever. While is is great to be able to take a personal inventory and learn lessons from mistakes made, it is never ok for that to become self-deprecating. Are there things I could have done better? Absolutely! Does that mean the marriage would still have not ended? Probably not. I can’t play the shoulda coulda woulda game and drive myself crazy, though. I just can’t.

This doesn’t mean that I am finished grieving the loss of my marriage, but it does mean that I feel I am over the peak. It also means that I can be free to retain the friendship I have with my husband. He is, after all, my best friend and I will always cherish that.

Going back and forth

There are days that I am strong and I know this is for the best and then there are times when I am talking to a friend who just called to check on me that I want to cry my eyeballs out. Going back and forth is so confusing. Oh, and then there’s me being PISSED OFF!

When we were talking, I asked my husband why he even married me to begin with. He said it was because I wanted him to. What the fuck kind of response is that? Apparently he didn’t marry me because he loved me so much and wanted to make that type of commitment. No. He married me because it was what I wanted. How insulting!!

I know us breaking up eventually will be a good thing. It will give me an opportunity to find what I really want, what I need with someone else. He doesn’t deserve me.

I also realized that I never need to be involved with an older man again. I need to be with someone my own age. I need someone who understands me and is from the same generation as I am. I used to think age is just a number, but I realize now that it means more.

I want someone who will delight in celebrating holidays that are special to me. From the second Christmas my husband and I spent together and on, I do not get birthday gifts, Valentines day gifts, Christmas gifts, Mother’s day gifts or hardly anything. I am surprised he even celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I only get gifts or have a holiday or special day acknowledged when I ride his ass to do it. I shouldn’t have to do that.

I am grateful that there are people in my life who keep from doing the stupid, ridiculous, crazy things that I want to do to myself right now, because I’m hurting. Part of me just wants to run away by myself, but I have a daughter to care for. Another part of me just wants to go have some anonymous sex somewhere with someone who doesn’t care about me and for whom I don’t care either. I don’t know why I want to do that, but I just do. I have also thought about getting really drunk, but that would probably involve me driving home that way, which wouldn’t be good either.

I have to remember that this too shall pass and when it is really hard, I just try to focus on breathing.

Finding grace

One minute, I’m a pillar of strength and the next, I just want to dissolve into a puddle of tears on the floor. This roller coaster is not the good kind and I want it to go away quickly.

I had coffee with a really old friend of mine last night. He helped me find some clarity in this situation and while I see that this breakup with my husband is actually for the best, that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

My friend helped me confront some very real feelings. I do not want to be married to my husband or anyone else. I am not attracted to my husband anymore. I want to be free. I don’t want to be tied down to anyone anymore. I am a free spirit. I love deeply and authentically, sometimes more than one.

Even with all of this realization, I grieve my marriage and the relationship with my husband. I am overcome with sadness for what has been lost. As I process this, I know the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel will become more apparent.

I just want to shut down

Last night, my husband and I had a long conversation about our relationship. He thinks that the damage is irreparable and that we can’t fix it. I kind of think he’s right. We each blame the other, but above all, he blames me for going to college and creating a divergent life path. He’s unwilling to change his life path for me. I can understand that.

Breathing right now is my only focus. One breath at a time. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. My mind is a clusterfuck of fear, insecurity, and pain.

I can’t eat. I want to retreat to sleep. I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up crying.

We also closed on our first home together yesterday. It should have been one of the happiest days of my life, but it turned out to be one of the worst.

People always tell me that I am the strongest person they have ever known, or at least one of the strongest. And something tells me I will get through this, but right now, I have to find the strength to just breathe. I am devastated. I knew my marriage was over, but it is one thing to know and another to have your partner confirm it.

Now, I’m faced with the stress of moving along with this crap. I feel so overwhelmed I want to vomit.

I feel like my heart is breaking

It has taken me a while to figure out that I can’t brute force this relationship (or any) to work. I can’t will it to work. It takes two to tango.

Someone advised me last night to just stop saying “I love you” to my husband since each time he doesn’t respond, it stabs the knife in a little deeper. Consciously making the choice to not say anything at all hurts too. I keep wondering when this will get easier or if it ever will. I keep trying to figure out a way to make it work. I can’t.

I waited so long to get married. I turned down three other people!! I wanted to make sure it was right, because I never wanted it to end. In reality, I think this marriage ended before it began.

I keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me? Everyone leaves in my life. Why am I such a terrible person that no one stays?

When will this lump in my chest go away? Will there ever be a time I am not on the verge of tears? How long will this anguish continue? Will I ever find love again?

Today I realized my marriage is over.

Today I realized my marriage is over. We have been together for a little less than six years, but married just over a year and this is how it ends. I feel overcome with grief, anger, loneliness, sadness, and insecurity.

I have been thinking the past few days about my and my husband’s relationship. I’ve been counting the number of times that he tenderly kisses me when I come home from a long day or when he responds to me telling him, “I love you.” I have only counted one response and no times that he has kissed me. I usually kiss him. The only time he responded with an “I love you,” he mumbled it as if it was some obligatory response because he felt he should say something. The rest of the times, he just didn’t respond at all.

I realized that I have been the one trying to save this marriage. I think he stopped a long time ago. I have been the one pushing for it to stay as if sheer willpower, brute force, and determination could make it survive. I have been the one carrying the torch. I can’t do that anymore.

Fight Song

This has been my song for a while now.

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep (in too deep)
And it’s been two years I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong (I’ll be strong)
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Know I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Waiting for the other shoe to drop…

I hate that I have this pessimistic way of dealing with life. When things are awesome and amazing, I can’t seem to fully enjoy them without wondering what bad thing is coming up that is some sort of “payment” for all the good. My husband says that I’m always waiting on the other shoe to drop and he’s right.