Boundaries

My sister called today to say that she and my mom will be here close to graduation, but that they have to leave the day of my graduation. My sister is moving my mom to be close to her and it requires that she fly in, my mom meets her at my house, and then they drive 2000 miles. I understand that’s a long drive and my sister has a life that doesn’t revolve around me or my mom, but why in the hell would she even come out and spend any time if she’s not going to my graduation.

This goal to attain my bachelor’s degree has been seven (yes, I said SEVEN) years in the making. I changed majors a few times, transferred schools across the country, and got two associate degrees before transferring to a university. This goal isn’t all about me, either. It represents a lot of hard work from my sister, my mom, my daughter, and my husband as well. I feel like it is a huge slap in the face to not have my sister or my mom at my graduation and the party I’ve organized for that evening.

My sister tried to make me feel badly and normally, I would have let that overpower any feelings I had to the contrary, but I’m really proud that I stood up for myself and told her in no uncertain terms, but without being harsh, how I feel. It is quite an accomplishment for anyone to graduate from college, especially a person with a past like mine. I told her that I also don’t want to come if she’s going to have an attitude about it or be anything but happy for me. I don’t want anything to overshadow the awesomeness of that day for me. And I shouldn’t have to. That day should be all about me and how much I’ve accomplished with the help of those closest to me. It should be a day of celebration without thinking anything else. I think I deserve that.

This may seem like a small thing, but it is a huge reminder of how far I have come in my recovery process. Normally, I would just go along with what my family wants regardless of what I want and bury the hurt feelings and resulting anger deeply within myself. Not this time. I was authentic with my feelings and I let my sister know how I feel. I was true to myself and what I need/want from that relationship. It is a huge sign to me that I am positively progressing through this process. I am not afraid to stick up for myself and I refuse to allow someone else to guilt trip me out of it.

I did offer to allow my sister to fly home and then drive my mom out to her house myself and then me fly back. My sister doesn’t seem to be agreeable to this plan. Maybe she just plans on making me feel guilty about it for years to come or maybe she plans to bury her own hurt feelings and resulting anger, but neither of those things are one me and with newfound strength in that relationship, I can honestly say that I refuse to allow her to make me feel guilty. It is important to establish healthy boundaries in even the closest relationships.

I’m learning so much about myself lately. The phase that I seem to primarily be in currently is deciding what is acceptable treatment from people in my life and what is not and being okay with that. I normally would guilt trip myself over it, but I am growing stronger in my resolve and not allowing people to walk on me anymore.